It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I love having hate sex.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
