I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
