and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
