I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
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Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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