this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
