I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
