your parents love me but you hate me
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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