I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
