Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
