after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
