Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
