So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
