My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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