farters have to be the big spoon...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
