Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
