This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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