My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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