No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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