i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
