how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
