Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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