My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
