I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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