You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
