His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
