I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
