I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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