Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
