got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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