The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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