I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
