I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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