i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
