wanna go halves on a baby?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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