I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
