Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
