Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
