i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
