Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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