Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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