I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
