omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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