I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
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I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
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I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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