I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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