How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
