can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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