hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.