Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
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Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.