I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
