i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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