Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
