I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
