come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
