I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
