The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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