The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
