Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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