Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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